jadelerie.wordpress.com

i feel so vunerable now.

I really hate to go TP now. Just the name of it makes me feel so inferior, majority of the time i dont seem to understand what the teachers are saying. It’s like we’re totally on different wavelengths, like we speak different languages.

I tried to listen hard, but i still seem to get the wrong idea of everything. And things that i find to be too difficult to accomplish, i see people around me coming to school with complete understanding of whatever that i dont seem to get.

I feel really awkward and uneasy whenever i have to ask someone for advice or something, the vibes they give off are telling me to “do it yourself, dont copy”. But then maybe im thinking too much.

And when i finally do ask, and i still dont understand, i ask again. And they get really irritated, or they stop replying altogether. And then the next day, when we meet, they act as if nothing of the sort ever happened

Today’s the last straw.

I want out.

And somtimes maybe the way out is down.

im so really really stressed now.

And i have no one to turn I cant talk to the netballers, because they simply wouldnt understand and i can almost predict their consolation. I cant talk to Has because i dont know, i feel we’re that far apart now, and i shouldnt bother her with my incompetence in studies. I cant talk to fish, because seriously she has other things to worry about.

I cant talk to the sister, because i have confided her before and she did nothing to ease my uneasiness and even told on me. Whatsmore she’s just gotten a letter telling her that she’s won the honors award. Why would she bother about me.

The person i really want to confide in is the mother, i really want her comfort and consolation, i need words of reassurement and encouragement from her. But i have never in so long ever heard any form of consolation or encouragement from her. And i can almost imagine the situation when i finally confess. Plus i dont want to add on to her already very heavy burden. I dont want her to worry.

I envy germaine, whose mother never gave much resistance or stop her from withdrawing the minute she found the course unsuitable for her. But maybe thats because she’s rich, somethng that we are not. But i really really wish that these arent so important to the mother.

I really really dont understand, i studied what was to be studied, im pretty sure i answered the questions carefully, i poured everything that i can think off onto the paper. Why do i still get a fucking F? I cant take repeating the whole thing again, i cant take going thru the whole presentation with people i dont know again.

Presentation with karhong and co was alr so stressful for me, i cant imagine how i’d do with a new group of strangers.

I feel so stressed with 2 more weeks to the reopening of school, i want to ask the mother to let me drop out while we do not have to pay next semester’s fees just yet.

I know i am very cowardly, i dont want to face it. I dont want to face that i am truly incompetent in terms of everything.

I toss and turn at night with panic and fear whenever i think of school, and i wake up at daybreak with a very “nan shou” feeling. I even start thinking and wishing for a mishap just so that i dont have to go thru these, that maybe after i wakeup from whatever mishap, everything will be over.

Even better, i want to let go off the reigns, let someone take over. And please, dont tell me “Let God take over” . HE has never done anything to make me truly put all my faith and trust in him. Time after time at my lowest, i never felt he was there. And every Sunday just weakens my faith.

I want to stop schooling, but i would have to start working. This means sacrificing netball, and netballers once im a 9to5. But then again, i also dont have the patience and confidence.

Right now all i want is my mother’s hug. To tell me everything’ll be ok.

But i know better.

I dont think writing this out here can even express the extreme stress i feel now. Furthermore, in this coming semester, the sister would not be around in tp anymore. Now that ive grown more attached to her. I really really wish we were of the same age, so that we can progress in stages of life together, so that she can be there for me when i need her.

I dont know how i’d get thru this year.

I’d still have to find that Goddamn Mr wong to settle my CDS. Would you believe it. I left him emails regarding the cds and he has yet to reply a single one. All talks about helping us.

I DONT WANT TO GO THRU THIS, ID GLADLY LET SOMEONE TAKE OVER THIS LIFE THAT IM LIVING.

if i cant take this stress now, i cant take other stress outside. please just let me…..

My life has gone downhill ever since mid of 2008, first im not going anywhere with netball, 2nd i sort of dropped precious friends in tp such as yuwei and karhong. And then i start to dread going to school, and then my studies drop.

Much as i dont want to make a connection, i subconciously blame YOU for everything thats going down.

Because of YOU, i am jealous of friends with full happy family, and then i hate seeing them. because seeing when i see them i imagine their family.

Because of YOU, i lost people in this phase of life that would have kept me going in this 3years. And now i dont know what to do. Im lost.

Because of YOU, i can only sit from here over the net, and try to smile and experienced the fun they had. And then closed down the page feeling more terrible then ever. Because of you, i have changed. Because of you, ive lost the positiveness.

And now im only holding on this thin ray of hope.

its either this or you let me go.

i never wanted to blog about this, to reveal all the dirty little secrets. For so long, i kept what i felt about this whole thing to myself, only blogging it out with very much difficulty trying to conceal your identity and the problem itself. FOR SO LONG, i played the fool, trying to get you two to laugh together at my stupid jokes. Pretending i had no idea that my parents are not exactly parents anymore.

But now im past caring, i dont care who else reads this post, i dont care if they know you. i hate you two.

the Father.

I hate you for everytime i reach home, i find her crying.
I hate you for the nights you come home at an insane hour, and saying you had to work.
I hate you for the everytime you isolate yourself with that fucking laptop.
I hate you for all those fed up faces you pull during family dinner. AND WE FUCKING DIDNT DO ANYTHING
I hate you for all the insecurities you’re giving us
I hate you for not playing a model husband
I hate you for ruining the picture of marriage
I hate you for hogging the car, thus leaving us with no other means of transport BUT BUS AND MRTS i HATE during CNY!
I hate you for breaking our yearly cny tradition.
I hate you for everytime i call, you dont pick up
I hate you for making mummy blame your behavious on us.
I hate that you never help around the house , and yet still complain
I hate you for everytime i talk to you nicely, you answer in that way
I hate that whatever you’re doing to make us so miserable you get away with it
I hate you that you get away with all these and the mother still makes an effort to try keep you happy.

And remember, for this period of misery you put me through, whether in future you’re still here or not. Whether we ever get to sit and eat dinner again, whether whatever happens. A small part of me, inside, for this i will forever hate you.

the Mother

I hate you for being so insecure
I hate you for not trusting him
I hate you for your suspicions
I hate you for not being able to trust him
I hate you for all the times you keep checking out the window
I hate you for all the times you ransack his bag
I hate you for not being a model mother
I hate you for not being strong
I hate you for all the times you let us watch you cry
I hate you for turning to all those people for help
I hate you for telling me what you saw
I hate you for ruining the perfect picture of my father
I hate you for putting his behavious on us
I hate you for thinking it’s the condition of the house that’s making him this way
I hate you for listening to your friends, so now we’re stuck here while he’s there
I hate you for checking my phone for his smses
I hate you for using my phone to find out where he is
I hate you for asking me to be polite to him, when i feel so much anger towards him for you.
I hate you when you allow him to sit there and do nothing
I hate you when you scold me when im being sarcastic to him
I hate you for your constant reminder to call him “daddy”
I hate you for every single time your hands touch my face
I hate you for all these”Godly” ways that isnt even helping our situation

I dont think our lives were these miserable before we got to know God, because after you decided to put us in christianity, i dont think we’ve been happy since. For all these misery you brought on yourself, and me. i will always hate you.

And I hate you both for forcing me to vent my anger here. To push me to the limit where i can no longer tolerate your behaviours. and if you do read this, dont talk to me about it, dont even mentioned you’ve read this. Or i will hate you for eternity.

Walau eh! i totally forgot i have a WordPress!! My so called “private” blog because of all those Passwords. HAHAHA! So childish.

Ok! Helllooooo!! whoever you are that’ve been visiting this place, although i dunno what you can read here, or maybe you’re someone practising on how to heck passwords? hahaha.

Blogging here feels so refreshing! So whitey-blueish! i like! maybe i’ll start updating here more.

Anyhow, holidays are coming to an end…. BOOOOHOOOO and i just banked-in my pay-cheque yesterday, seriously that company siber LJ leh! my sister went to take over me the last 3 days of work, i refused to go back and work there because they said 3weeks. And i really finished 3weeks alr what. Never even call me to check when i didnt return to work. Nabei still go complain to my mother lor.

So my sis went to work la. ITE they paid her in cash, ME LEH gimme cheque sia.. Only $488 somemore, like ikan billis like that. Worse my mother is asking for allowance, And i have to pay back sis for all the $$ i borrowed. And i still need pay XQ for her concert tickets and class chalet. Still have to go make new EZ card.

KNN!

No money spend alr la.
*pouts

Aiyaya… Still havent checked schedule for Mon, I DONT WANT TO CHECK LA! OMG
I want nth to do with TP can.

Sleepover with LKK at my place tmr! Initially was with Breast, Lee, K and chris but then they dont want la.. so asked LKK and tings. And we’re gna go Sentosa the next day too!! OMG Pls dont dont dont rain HOR! i need to tan! Even yuhui is darker then me alr lor.

EXCITED!!
*jiggles

ok i dunno how to post pictures here oledi.